Luck of the Draw

by b e l l a | p o r t e r

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about

This would've been otherwise unfathomable without the love support and help from my mom and dad, Livy Zander and Oliver, Sunny Levine, Sebastian Jones, Miriam Alejandra Cortez Cáceres, rat pac Fildey Nattrass and Kazebee, Henry Solomon, Sophie Levine, Abby Hwong, Lindsay Borman, Paul Giese, Ben (plays drums on comfortable silence, still haven’t met him in person!), Anisse Elias, Taylor Mackall, Curtis Green, Georgia Greene, Jonah Sanchez, Ben Montez and his slew of comrades, Sabrina Teitelbaum, Rett Dadison, Christopher Kirby Emerson and Adam for housing me and feeding me, baby poo poo, charleze, sugar, reggie, lenny, all the ruperts.

credits

released June 5, 2017

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b e l l a | p o r t e r Los Angeles, California

just a hanging pothos

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Track Name: Far Gone
now that i have sunk into the night
teeth clenched tight
strawberry fingers
bleed into my bed sheets
my cotton mouth
your furrowed brow

now that i've untangled all my lies for you
unbutton my blouse
speak only in whispers
or birdsong
mating call of a vulture

say that you have thicker skin
and i will kiss you
but if my bitterness
were to spoil you too

i'd sing you a lullaby or a
birdsong
disguise all of my goodbyes and in the
morning i'll be gone

i'll be gone

far gone
Track Name: Comfortable Silence
you're so beautiful
but i don't know what to say
no i don't know what to say to you

could you hold me platonically
but laugh as if you knew
that i'd fall in love with you today

i don't wanna kiss you
i just wanna hold a breathing body that could feel
the same way i might feel someday soon

cause stranger i've been hurt
too many times to play this game with you
i'm letting you know now so you can leave just like they all do

but it's so damn beautiful
to share a space with a complete stranger
and the silence is already comfortable

did i curse to much?
did i laugh when it wasn't a joke?
or did i look at you in the car the way your ex girlfriend would always do?
Track Name: Influenza
left the apartment
for the grocery store
with the promise of a girl scout
sale by the front door

but when i got to the store
they were sold out of tag alongs
those miscreant girls
i need my fix so i can get along

i spend my evenings
in the changing light
that spills through the seasons
and my shades drawn tight

listening to this mortal coil
in a knee long lizard shirt
surviving off thai food and
facetiming with my mom

baby, i've got influenza
sugar, let me influence you
Track Name: Idle Sympathy
in the morning
will you sing to me,
brush my hair
while i'm still sleeping?

when i'm crying
will you kiss me,
or just stare
in idle sympathy?

oh i know
your head is busy
we're our own
worst enemies

but can we join forces to fight them?
oh, i promise i'm on your side

when we're driving in your car
will you turn toward the window
with a taciturn smile
the way lovers admire from afar

do you know
what they call you
in the town
where i met you?

you are heaven
in their eyes
and in mine
but you are mine
Track Name: Cynicism
was it wise to believe that
my sweetness would last?
those summer nights we spent dreaming
in the tall grass

was it wise to imagine
our future home?
and the vegetable garden
we'd somehow grow

though i've killed nearly every plant
i've ever owned
and though i've outgrown your love
still thought you should know

you were a fool for leaving
your shoes out in the rain
when from the depths of the forest
crawled a scorpion

and in the morning
your cries were heard by every panamanian

you were a fool for falling
for a cynic like me
if you wanted someone harmless
maybe that ain't me

oh i'm pinching
every sweet thing that i see
and your kindness
intimidates me

even the memory of
the sweetest love that i have known
has been menaced by the venom
of my cynicism
Track Name: Fair-Weather Friends
fair-weather friends,
have i strayed from the image
you created of me
back when i was the culprit
of this contrived cliche
that you called your acquaintance?

in the cafes
where i sat unaffected
by the constant display
of strangers love and affection
did you know that i longed to believe
there'd be a place for at your table?

"bella, do you know the things you do?
when you're not looking for a friend
you're so charming you know its true."
you said, "all you girls are just the same
delusional at best."
but you only know my name
so get out of my head

ambient cries crept
through my walls one tuesday night
when the girl from down the hall almost died
took an ambulance and three fire trucks
to win her roommates trust
that emily would be okay though they'd never spoken much

"bella, do you know the things you do?
when you're not looking for a friend
you're so charming you know its true."
you said, "all you girls are just the same
delusional at best."
but you only know my name
so get out of my head
Track Name: Maya
my, how you've changed
maya, how you've change

ever since you left me
you've been acting so strange

did a demigod claw you back?
oh you were heaven when you laughed
now you're acting like you've been possessed
are you still happy with the mess you made of me?

maya
maya

i remember when we kids
you stole post cards from flea markets

you'd scamper off with a stollen stack
oh you were heaven when you laughed
now you're acting like you've been possessed
are you still happy with the mess you made of me?

maya
maya
Track Name: Farewell to a Friend
Goodbye my closest friend
I will see you here again
Take what i have given you
And take me with you too

Though years ago you broke my heart
I still loved you the same
You held me when i fell apart
Im so glad nothing’s changed

I lost my phone the other day
Since then nothing’s felt okay
See that’s the only thing that’s keeping
Our love awake

However far we may grow apart
I will keep you always in my heart
It might not seem like the safest place but
At least there I will be just in case
You need me someday

Goodbye to nights well spent
Said you loved me, i knew what you meant
While all the world was fast asleep
We’d still be talking under sheets

Revealing all the parts of ourselves
We’d long to hide and had grown to hate
You’d kiss my cheek a time or two
And that’s all you had to do

However far we may grow apart
I will keep you always in my heart
It might not seem like the safest place but
At least there I will be just in case
You need me someday
Track Name: Out of State, Out of Mind
Mother, why are you so blue?
You are loved, even when it doesn’t seem true

Brother, where have you been?
It’s been years, i keep dreaming you’re coming in

Sister, dont. Sister, don’t forget me now
I know it’s hard with the new friends you’ve found

Brother, forgive all I’ve said
If you can so i don’t feel so dead

Father take away all my troubles today
Let’s take a drive
Out of state, out of mind
Track Name: Miembro a Miembro
Wrap me in your arms
‘Til im breathing
‘Til i’m breathing

Tear me apart
‘Til i’m feeling

Shut my eyes
Oh shut my eyes
Shut my eyes
‘Til i’m seeing

Shut my eyes
Oh, shut my eyes
Shut my eyes
‘Til I’m

Envolverme en sus brazos
Envolverme hasta que estoy respirando
Respirando

Despedazarme miembro a miembro
Despedazarme hasta que estoy sintiendo
Sintiendo
Track Name: Unscrupulous Pest
I was too young
You were too tired of
Waiting in line
To see what you could find for

Better prices
Your discounted vices
Oh, cheaper is better
Than seeking what’s deeper

You say you’re above it
But it’s within your budget
To do unto others
As you would have done unto

You don’t seem to be getting me
Your ivy league diplomacy
Doesn’t translate
When you’re out of the state

Complete isolation
Some moral persuasion
Might be what’s best
For this unscrupulous pest of a man
If you’re nice

Sure, complete isolation
Some moral persuasion
How about annihilation
Unlawfully sedate him
Esphixiation
Inadvertent castration

Might be what’s best for this
Unscrupulous pest of a man
If you ask me

Take me for what i am
‘Til i am nothing

Take me for what i am
‘Til i am nothing

Destruction I guess
Was all for the best
Track Name: Wildflowers
Wildflowers don’t grow like they used to
Can barely see past these trees
And smoke rises just to remind us
Direction is all that we need

Fills my lungs with desire
Can barely keep away from the heap
Of burning grass and burning ashes
Im learning how to trust my past again

And maybe i’m sorry
Or maybe i’m not
Well what does it matter
If they already forgot

Gonna buy me a house with a garden
And lock all the doors when it rains
And i don’t think that you will be coming
To lecture me about my disdain

Sprinted to church this morning
To be honest, i didn't feel a thing
No saving grace, no hail mary
Hint of disgrace, burden to carry

And maybe i’m sorry
Or maybe i’m not
Well what does it matter
If they already forgot
Track Name: Unlonesome Daughter
Nothing’s going right today
So i’ll get in my grandfather’s car
And drive miles and miles from this place

Cause lately i don’t give a damn
What all of you say
But that don’t mean that all your narcissistic bullshit
Doesn’t drive me insane

Now that i’m on the road again
Pretending i’m sixteen and falling in love
for the first time again
Was i lying to myself
when i said we could be friends?

Cause now i’m lying by myself in a motel
wondering how youve been

Oh i followed your ghost up to Unstad
Where you stayed with your friend Noah last summer
And in the land of endless daytime
Beneath the midnight sun
Was a lonesome daughter

And i followed your ghost down to Ballstad
In a beaten blue buggie dodge chrysler
With a bag of trail mix and my uncle's guitar
Dinner for two for the lonesome daughter

And i followed the signs down to Raine
Where the stockfish hung dry on their racks
And in the smell of calcifying fish flesh
I realized i really don’t need you

And i followed your ghost up to Unstad
Met a mechanic had a real nice talk
About his car tattoo, his daughter, or something or other
Whatever it was it really doesn’t matter
Whatever this is, it really won’t matter

Oh i’m okay

Signed,
The Unlonesome Daughter
Track Name: Coyote Song
Song for coyote
Coyote song
Won’t you spare me my dog?

Lonely coyote,
Haven’t you friends of your own?

While you were out walking
The night’s grown seemingly cold

Where’s your coat?
Coyote, where’s your coat?
Track Name: Luck of the Draw
take me back
to the end of this line
for rations i deserve
at this time

to fill my lungs
with breath that aint mine
to say i am something i am not
that aint kind

a secret
is better left kept
least thats what you believe
and mindlessly accept

steal from the girl
when she's gone to bed
and when you look back
you'll find nothing left

i took the high road
and you took the low one
and I'm never going that way again

mother
what have i done
to deserve this life
and the chances ive won

i guess i should leave before they close the door
before me, a window through which i have explored the world
already, I'm ready, least thats what i'll say
i'll say I'm not afraid

but i'm so afraid
im so afraid

it's the luck of the draw
how you play your own hand
least thats what my dad has said
since first i tried to stand

so i took the high road
and you took the low one
and I'm never going that way again